Mommy guilt

Today my heart broke for my son. As the only child ( I don't like that term but its hard to get around) in our family he tends to sing that only child song " play with me!".   It's not always something I can do and I always feel guilty. Guilty that he doesn't have a sibling. Guilty that I got irritated at him because he clings to me. Guilty that he clings be cause he does not have any siblings.

I try to tell myself " It's ok, Rebecca. God wants it like this, for now. You will have another child and you won't have to deal with having an 'only child' anymore".   There's just one problem. I have to deal with it, now. My son is a great kid. Very smart, has an amazing memory and lots of energy,( what boy doesn't right?). But my husband and I are his sole sources for that energy outlet. Like a glass of water that has a straw dipped into it over and over again, I find myself drained quickly.  I love my son.  I just need my glass refilled and or a spare gallon handy.

Which leads me to the guilt. The mommy guilt. That thing that every mommy I know wishes would grow legs and hike away, loves to rear its ugly head, especially after a trying day when I have been drained to the last drop. Part  of what makes mommy guilt so bad is that it hits when your child is asleep. What can I do about it then? Wake him up at 10 pm and ask him if he wants to bake some cookies because I wasn't able to play dinosaurs with him when I had to scrub the toilet?!

Let it go.... and thats what I do. I let the obvious-with-out-a-doubt-mommy-to-an-only-child-who-has-been-drained-guilt go. But then it happens.....

Today while my family was gathered around the table,  my son heard children talking outside and he lept from his chair and jumped on the couch and quickly parted the window curtains to peer through the blind to see some of his kind. Children. Because in his home, he is the only one and my heart broke


I remember the time as the 3rd  born child in a family of 4 children, I was never alone. The sound of little voices echoed through our home and no one zeroed in on. I remember only  a hand full of times asking my mom to " play with me!" and when she did I remember telling her to kindly leave because she was doing it wrong.  My guilt for my son reaches beyond anything that I could ever console. It reaches down into a built in desire that all children have, to be around other children.  We do try to get out to the park, play with children and make play dates with friends, but, those friends go home. They move away. They are not consistent, something a child needs, something they get in siblings.

 But I'm not in control. God is. He has some sort of a plan for me and for my only child, who, perhaps won't always be the only child.  Perhaps one day, just one of the children in a home surrounded with the sound of children's voices echoing through out. Or a grown man in a world of other adults who create  strong relationships that rival those you create with your own biological siblings. In any case, God is in control and knows what is to become of my little man.

So mommy guilt can take a hike.