Praying for another

It has been 18 months. 18 months since my husband and I stared to TTC #2. I stared this journey wide eyed and enthusiastic. My heart leaping with joy that we were going to make our first son a big brother. This was something I had thought on, what seemed like endlessly, for the past 18 months already.  I had yearned for that " lets try" agreement and when it finally came I breathed a sigh of relief.   

We tried. We even did the, try,try, again part.   About 14 months after our beginning of the journey, I had many of the symptoms and a nagging feeling that all of my trying had been counteracted by an underlying problem. I had blood drawn and tests ran and was diagnosed with PCOS.  My heart hurt.  I felt like someone had pressed a pause button on my life. 

I was given directions for how to eat and what medicine to take in order to ease symptoms. 

I have tried but it is not the easiest thing. What woman can resist chocolate when she has PMS? That's what I thought!

I go back in forth from anger,peace, and anxiety.  Some days are perfectly fine. I enjoy my life, my husband, my son. Others I want nothing more than to slap unappreciated,whiney pregnant women. Some days, I feel like a failure and I have to come up with plans, plans plans. Should I go back to work? Should J. be in soccer? Should I join a mommy group? Should I start clomid? Should I lose weight and then try for a pregnancy or try for a pregnancy and then lose weight? The list goes on. 

I love the days when I have peace. When I look at my son in the moment he is in and I know I'm blessed.  J. was conceived without any medicine, before I even knew about PCOS.  He was conceived after my husband and I had been married 10 months and just days before we closed on a our new home.  His coming into  the world seemed so natural uncontrived and almost surprising. Now I see that God has blessed me beyond measure and my son's conception was  planned by the hands of God. Purposively at the time, that it was.  I remember the time I found out I was pregnant with him.  I gasped, I cried. I almost thought of ways to get out of it.  I was shocked and afraid.  But God knew what he was doing and his hand was on me.

If I ever have the blessing of another child, and I pray I do.  I hope to remember the time I found out about the pregnancy and I know I will gasp, I will cry and I will pray my hardest that God doesn't plan for me to get out of it.  I will be shocked and I will be afraid. But I will feel the most highest respect for my God,  knowing that his timing is his plans and he has my hand on me. I will remember the time I struggled to conceive. I will smile.