If Dreams Were Real

I could live in them for days.  If I could only take pictures of in my dreams and videos. I could print them out when I woke up and remembering the dream forever.  It's not that real life is horrible. But what do you do when you dream that you have the one thing you're longing for?  Worse, the thing that was in you but then for some reason was torn up and expelled.

I dreamed last night I had two kids. Two beautiful, healthy, happy kids. My heart felt light when, in my dream, I finally felt right. See, I thought my dream was reality  which would mean that real life is a nightmare. 

After a year and a half of trying to conceive a second child,  I finally became pregnant.  I was beyond words thrilled for that pregnancy.  Only 4 or 5 weeks pregnant and I could already see, feel, imagine that new baby in me, on me, in our home.  In my life.  I felt like a bad mother because I had gained  weight due to stress and depression and my weight was at a all time high.  I felt guilty that my body wasn't an ideal one for growing a baby. But I did everything I could to eat better, and take care of myself.

Then it ended.  My baby left me.  Grew wings and went up to Heaven.   At only maybe 6 weeks pregnant at the most, the physical pain of a miscarriage was like the heaviest period I'd ever felt, pain killer and it was bearable. Emotionally, the pain knocked me to my knees and brought me to scream, punch pillows and cry out for my baby that I lost.

That baby, that I saw in my dreams could have been reality.
And even though my baby grew wings early, my heart still loves another child.
The dreams help me remember that my heart has a place for two children.
I pray that God sends my baby back to me on Earth again so that I may hold, nurse and love my baby, here on Earth.

Edward.....Bella...Jacob...Edward!!!

Sorry for my sudden absence. I had no intentions of creating a blog and then bailing!  But my life got crazy all of the sudden. A few things happened. First of all, Twilight.   I took the advice of nearly all of my friends and started reading  the Twilight saga. I felt like I just opened a can of pringles.  I popped and I couldn't stop. Everything about the books drew me in and I found myself asking my son, J. " Would you like to watch some tv?", Just so I could read my books. It was a fun couple of weeks and I fell in love with them. Namely, Edward. Hahaha, sigh.  But as a whole,  I love all of the characters, just as if they were real. I think in a couple short weeks, I became a Twi-hard. Oops!