When I Grow Up

Self doubt. It can be crushing can't it? The feeling as if whatever you have become is less than what you could have become. It can be heartbreaking.

When we were children we were asked, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" I almost kind of despise this phrased question.  When I was young though, I welcomed it, even basked in it's allure. 'What will I be when I grow up', I would ponder.  A dancer? No, takes too much training and dedication. A singer? No they have to wear too much make up and dress immodestly. An actress?! No.  They have to be stick skinny. Hmm. For the rest of my childhood, I pondered and pondered and pondered.


Then, one fateful fall day, the gig was up. My childhood, was over. I turned 18. I fell in love with a man that lived thousands of miles away and I only wanted to be one thing. Married.

We got married two years later. I started working at a daycare center and I felt like I had picked my path. I had somehow turned off the ponder process and let whatever it was that I was going to be when I was grown up, just happen.  Then a kid happened. I gave birth to our first son in 2006. I had baby blues, I had sleepless nights. I had a child and I was a Mommy. All of the sudden, I felt like my life is on hold. 

Whatever I was supposed to be when I was grown up all of the sudden became the most ridiculous statement uttered I had ever heard. I wasn't grown! I was a just a ignorant moron stumbling through life with this..this..attachment of a person!!!! I am the one feeding his dreams of what he will be when  he  grows up. So now what?! Who am I?! What did I do?! How do I go back and figure out what I'm going to be when I grow up?!


Self doubt. Motherhood. They go hand in hand I am pretty sure. I cannot think of one mother I have ever met who has not in some form or fashion shared at least once experience of severe self doubt about their mothering journey with me.  The funny thing is, it doesn't define us as people, I mean, it can if that's all you are. How many women do you meet, though, who are just mothers?  I honestly have not met one. 
Most of the women I know are mothers and....( insert something amazing).

So why is it that I am able to find my own bridge to painful and heart breaking self doubt? Why is it that,  I am not sure what I will be when I grown up?


Well, for one, I'm still relatively young.  I have not yet seen my 30th birthday and won't for a few years. I have a very youthful personality which some how keeps me doing very odd things that I know must make me look even younger than I am.  I think though, the biggest reason I don't know yet is that, I'm already there. I'm already grown. I'm already me. I never changed. If I wanted to be anything else I would have done it and so would you.  So many times it feels like I am a slave. A worker to my children and my husband and nothing more. Sometimes I see the glimpse into the fact that, I am in fact,  a singer, a dancer, an actress and so, so, so  much more. 


Not a day goes by that I don't sing to my kids. Not a day goes by that I don't act. Not a day goes by that I don't do a little dance to cheer up my almost 6 month old. So why, why can't this just be enough? Instead of the notion to be one thing to the world, why not bask in the beauty of being the WORLD to one ( or more) people. I'm putting away the self doubt. I'm living the life I was meant to have and always wanted. I'm going to sing and dance and act like I'm not covered in spit up and peanut butter.


It really is the best thing to be...... when you grow up.

Different World

Ok. The real  thrill here is to see if I can create a blog post before the baby wakes up from his nap. That's right, I said baby and nap.  After a painful journey that you can find in my older posts, I was blessed with another sweet little baby boy. Born February 3rd, 2011. The house has been busy since!  


Having two kids is a different world compared to one child. I have two sweet little faces to kiss, two sets of eyes to gaze into, two little voices giggling and sometimes yes, even crying. It is still, the world that I so much enjoy and find myself happier than I could ever imagine. I am beyond thrilled to watch both of my boys,  as they grow up and into little men. Seasons will pass, years will give way to more years and my memory of the daily same ole same ole will fade  but I will eternally remember the time that my world was forever changed,  all by a  curly headed  9lb. 8 oz, dimpled chinned baby boy.