On June 5th, I found out some fascinating news, I am pregnant, again! My heart felt so filled with joy and great thanks to God almighty!! What is even more astonishing is that I conceived right around the day of my previous post. God is so good! I am almost 12 weeks pregnant now and things are going well.
There is a song that we sing in church services sometimes, Do You Know My Jesus? There is a verse that I chokes me up to the point that I cannot sing. For it hits a chord in my heart of deepest thanks to God. -" Who knows your disappointments? Who hears each time you cry? Who understands your sorrow, who dries the tears from your eyes?"
Father God knows my disappointments. He heard each time my heart cried out for another child. He understands my sorrow and he has dried the tears from my eyes.
Friday, July 23, 2010
Thursday, May 6, 2010
If Dreams Were Real
I could live in them for days. If I could only take pictures of in my dreams and videos. I could print them out when I woke up and remembering the dream forever. It's not that real life is horrible. But what do you do when you dream that you have the one thing you're longing for? Worse, the thing that was in you but then for some reason was torn up and expelled.
I dreamed last night I had two kids. Two beautiful, healthy, happy kids. My heart felt light when, in my dream, I finally felt right. See, I thought my dream was reality which would mean that real life is a nightmare.
After a year and a half of trying to conceive a second child, I finally became pregnant. I was beyond words thrilled for that pregnancy. Only 4 or 5 weeks pregnant and I could already see, feel, imagine that new baby in me, on me, in our home. In my life. I felt like a bad mother because I had gained weight due to stress and depression and my weight was at a all time high. I felt guilty that my body wasn't an ideal one for growing a baby. But I did everything I could to eat better, and take care of myself.
Then it ended. My baby left me. Grew wings and went up to Heaven. At only maybe 6 weeks pregnant at the most, the physical pain of a miscarriage was like the heaviest period I'd ever felt, pain killer and it was bearable. Emotionally, the pain knocked me to my knees and brought me to scream, punch pillows and cry out for my baby that I lost.
That baby, that I saw in my dreams could have been reality.
And even though my baby grew wings early, my heart still loves another child.
The dreams help me remember that my heart has a place for two children.
I pray that God sends my baby back to me on Earth again so that I may hold, nurse and love my baby, here on Earth.
I dreamed last night I had two kids. Two beautiful, healthy, happy kids. My heart felt light when, in my dream, I finally felt right. See, I thought my dream was reality which would mean that real life is a nightmare.
After a year and a half of trying to conceive a second child, I finally became pregnant. I was beyond words thrilled for that pregnancy. Only 4 or 5 weeks pregnant and I could already see, feel, imagine that new baby in me, on me, in our home. In my life. I felt like a bad mother because I had gained weight due to stress and depression and my weight was at a all time high. I felt guilty that my body wasn't an ideal one for growing a baby. But I did everything I could to eat better, and take care of myself.
Then it ended. My baby left me. Grew wings and went up to Heaven. At only maybe 6 weeks pregnant at the most, the physical pain of a miscarriage was like the heaviest period I'd ever felt, pain killer and it was bearable. Emotionally, the pain knocked me to my knees and brought me to scream, punch pillows and cry out for my baby that I lost.
That baby, that I saw in my dreams could have been reality.
And even though my baby grew wings early, my heart still loves another child.
The dreams help me remember that my heart has a place for two children.
I pray that God sends my baby back to me on Earth again so that I may hold, nurse and love my baby, here on Earth.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Edward.....Bella...Jacob...Edward!!!
Sorry for my sudden absence. I had no intentions of creating a blog and then bailing! But my life got crazy all of the sudden. A few things happened. First of all, Twilight. I took the advice of nearly all of my friends and started reading the Twilight saga. I felt like I just opened a can of pringles. I popped and I couldn't stop. Everything about the books drew me in and I found myself asking my son, J. " Would you like to watch some tv?", Just so I could read my books. It was a fun couple of weeks and I fell in love with them. Namely, Edward. Hahaha, sigh. But as a whole, I love all of the characters, just as if they were real. I think in a couple short weeks, I became a Twi-hard. Oops!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Mommy guilt
Today my heart broke for my son. As the only child ( I don't like that term but its hard to get around) in our family he tends to sing that only child song " play with me!". It's not always something I can do and I always feel guilty. Guilty that he doesn't have a sibling. Guilty that I got irritated at him because he clings to me. Guilty that he clings be cause he does not have any siblings.
I try to tell myself " It's ok, Rebecca. God wants it like this, for now. You will have another child and you won't have to deal with having an 'only child' anymore". There's just one problem. I have to deal with it, now. My son is a great kid. Very smart, has an amazing memory and lots of energy,( what boy doesn't right?). But my husband and I are his sole sources for that energy outlet. Like a glass of water that has a straw dipped into it over and over again, I find myself drained quickly. I love my son. I just need my glass refilled and or a spare gallon handy.
Which leads me to the guilt. The mommy guilt. That thing that every mommy I know wishes would grow legs and hike away, loves to rear its ugly head, especially after a trying day when I have been drained to the last drop. Part of what makes mommy guilt so bad is that it hits when your child is asleep. What can I do about it then? Wake him up at 10 pm and ask him if he wants to bake some cookies because I wasn't able to play dinosaurs with him when I had to scrub the toilet?!
Let it go.... and thats what I do. I let the obvious-with-out-a-doubt-mommy-to-an-only-child-who-has-been-drained-guilt go. But then it happens.....
Today while my family was gathered around the table, my son heard children talking outside and he lept from his chair and jumped on the couch and quickly parted the window curtains to peer through the blind to see some of his kind. Children. Because in his home, he is the only one and my heart broke
I remember the time as the 3rd born child in a family of 4 children, I was never alone. The sound of little voices echoed through our home and no one zeroed in on. I remember only a hand full of times asking my mom to " play with me!" and when she did I remember telling her to kindly leave because she was doing it wrong. My guilt for my son reaches beyond anything that I could ever console. It reaches down into a built in desire that all children have, to be around other children. We do try to get out to the park, play with children and make play dates with friends, but, those friends go home. They move away. They are not consistent, something a child needs, something they get in siblings.
But I'm not in control. God is. He has some sort of a plan for me and for my only child, who, perhaps won't always be the only child. Perhaps one day, just one of the children in a home surrounded with the sound of children's voices echoing through out. Or a grown man in a world of other adults who create strong relationships that rival those you create with your own biological siblings. In any case, God is in control and knows what is to become of my little man.
So mommy guilt can take a hike.
I try to tell myself " It's ok, Rebecca. God wants it like this, for now. You will have another child and you won't have to deal with having an 'only child' anymore". There's just one problem. I have to deal with it, now. My son is a great kid. Very smart, has an amazing memory and lots of energy,( what boy doesn't right?). But my husband and I are his sole sources for that energy outlet. Like a glass of water that has a straw dipped into it over and over again, I find myself drained quickly. I love my son. I just need my glass refilled and or a spare gallon handy.
Which leads me to the guilt. The mommy guilt. That thing that every mommy I know wishes would grow legs and hike away, loves to rear its ugly head, especially after a trying day when I have been drained to the last drop. Part of what makes mommy guilt so bad is that it hits when your child is asleep. What can I do about it then? Wake him up at 10 pm and ask him if he wants to bake some cookies because I wasn't able to play dinosaurs with him when I had to scrub the toilet?!
Let it go.... and thats what I do. I let the obvious-with-out-a-doubt-mommy-to-an-only-child-who-has-been-drained-guilt go. But then it happens.....
Today while my family was gathered around the table, my son heard children talking outside and he lept from his chair and jumped on the couch and quickly parted the window curtains to peer through the blind to see some of his kind. Children. Because in his home, he is the only one and my heart broke
I remember the time as the 3rd born child in a family of 4 children, I was never alone. The sound of little voices echoed through our home and no one zeroed in on. I remember only a hand full of times asking my mom to " play with me!" and when she did I remember telling her to kindly leave because she was doing it wrong. My guilt for my son reaches beyond anything that I could ever console. It reaches down into a built in desire that all children have, to be around other children. We do try to get out to the park, play with children and make play dates with friends, but, those friends go home. They move away. They are not consistent, something a child needs, something they get in siblings.
But I'm not in control. God is. He has some sort of a plan for me and for my only child, who, perhaps won't always be the only child. Perhaps one day, just one of the children in a home surrounded with the sound of children's voices echoing through out. Or a grown man in a world of other adults who create strong relationships that rival those you create with your own biological siblings. In any case, God is in control and knows what is to become of my little man.
So mommy guilt can take a hike.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Praying for another
It has been 18 months. 18 months since my husband and I stared to TTC #2. I stared this journey wide eyed and enthusiastic. My heart leaping with joy that we were going to make our first son a big brother. This was something I had thought on, what seemed like endlessly, for the past 18 months already. I had yearned for that " lets try" agreement and when it finally came I breathed a sigh of relief.
We tried. We even did the, try,try, again part. About 14 months after our beginning of the journey, I had many of the symptoms and a nagging feeling that all of my trying had been counteracted by an underlying problem. I had blood drawn and tests ran and was diagnosed with PCOS. My heart hurt. I felt like someone had pressed a pause button on my life.
I was given directions for how to eat and what medicine to take in order to ease symptoms.
I have tried but it is not the easiest thing. What woman can resist chocolate when she has PMS? That's what I thought!
I go back in forth from anger,peace, and anxiety. Some days are perfectly fine. I enjoy my life, my husband, my son. Others I want nothing more than to slap unappreciated,whiney pregnant women. Some days, I feel like a failure and I have to come up with plans, plans plans. Should I go back to work? Should J. be in soccer? Should I join a mommy group? Should I start clomid? Should I lose weight and then try for a pregnancy or try for a pregnancy and then lose weight? The list goes on.
I love the days when I have peace. When I look at my son in the moment he is in and I know I'm blessed. J. was conceived without any medicine, before I even knew about PCOS. He was conceived after my husband and I had been married 10 months and just days before we closed on a our new home. His coming into the world seemed so natural uncontrived and almost surprising. Now I see that God has blessed me beyond measure and my son's conception was planned by the hands of God. Purposively at the time, that it was. I remember the time I found out I was pregnant with him. I gasped, I cried. I almost thought of ways to get out of it. I was shocked and afraid. But God knew what he was doing and his hand was on me.
If I ever have the blessing of another child, and I pray I do. I hope to remember the time I found out about the pregnancy and I know I will gasp, I will cry and I will pray my hardest that God doesn't plan for me to get out of it. I will be shocked and I will be afraid. But I will feel the most highest respect for my God, knowing that his timing is his plans and he has my hand on me. I will remember the time I struggled to conceive. I will smile.
Remember The Time
Wow. My first, ever, blog post on my first, ever, blog. This is going to be interesting! My hopes for this is to be a sort of personal journal that I can share with friends. You can expect to see posts on, my wonderful son, J. My family. My struggles with PCOS and conceiving a second child, weight loss and diet, and daily happenings or current events. My life, blogged.
Right now as I type this my son is watching tv in his footsy pajamas and I'm anticipating what the day will be like. Laundry, cooking, some cleaning. But I don't want to miss on the most important part. Spending time with my almost 4 year old. Time to connect and making a moment that will create a lasting memory, so I can remember the time, that he was a sweet innocent little boy, watching tv, in footsy pajamas.
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