Mommy guilt

Today my heart broke for my son. As the only child ( I don't like that term but its hard to get around) in our family he tends to sing that only child song " play with me!".   It's not always something I can do and I always feel guilty. Guilty that he doesn't have a sibling. Guilty that I got irritated at him because he clings to me. Guilty that he clings be cause he does not have any siblings.

I try to tell myself " It's ok, Rebecca. God wants it like this, for now. You will have another child and you won't have to deal with having an 'only child' anymore".   There's just one problem. I have to deal with it, now. My son is a great kid. Very smart, has an amazing memory and lots of energy,( what boy doesn't right?). But my husband and I are his sole sources for that energy outlet. Like a glass of water that has a straw dipped into it over and over again, I find myself drained quickly.  I love my son.  I just need my glass refilled and or a spare gallon handy.

Which leads me to the guilt. The mommy guilt. That thing that every mommy I know wishes would grow legs and hike away, loves to rear its ugly head, especially after a trying day when I have been drained to the last drop. Part  of what makes mommy guilt so bad is that it hits when your child is asleep. What can I do about it then? Wake him up at 10 pm and ask him if he wants to bake some cookies because I wasn't able to play dinosaurs with him when I had to scrub the toilet?!

Let it go.... and thats what I do. I let the obvious-with-out-a-doubt-mommy-to-an-only-child-who-has-been-drained-guilt go. But then it happens.....

Today while my family was gathered around the table,  my son heard children talking outside and he lept from his chair and jumped on the couch and quickly parted the window curtains to peer through the blind to see some of his kind. Children. Because in his home, he is the only one and my heart broke


I remember the time as the 3rd  born child in a family of 4 children, I was never alone. The sound of little voices echoed through our home and no one zeroed in on. I remember only  a hand full of times asking my mom to " play with me!" and when she did I remember telling her to kindly leave because she was doing it wrong.  My guilt for my son reaches beyond anything that I could ever console. It reaches down into a built in desire that all children have, to be around other children.  We do try to get out to the park, play with children and make play dates with friends, but, those friends go home. They move away. They are not consistent, something a child needs, something they get in siblings.

 But I'm not in control. God is. He has some sort of a plan for me and for my only child, who, perhaps won't always be the only child.  Perhaps one day, just one of the children in a home surrounded with the sound of children's voices echoing through out. Or a grown man in a world of other adults who create  strong relationships that rival those you create with your own biological siblings. In any case, God is in control and knows what is to become of my little man.

So mommy guilt can take a hike.

Praying for another

It has been 18 months. 18 months since my husband and I stared to TTC #2. I stared this journey wide eyed and enthusiastic. My heart leaping with joy that we were going to make our first son a big brother. This was something I had thought on, what seemed like endlessly, for the past 18 months already.  I had yearned for that " lets try" agreement and when it finally came I breathed a sigh of relief.   

We tried. We even did the, try,try, again part.   About 14 months after our beginning of the journey, I had many of the symptoms and a nagging feeling that all of my trying had been counteracted by an underlying problem. I had blood drawn and tests ran and was diagnosed with PCOS.  My heart hurt.  I felt like someone had pressed a pause button on my life. 

I was given directions for how to eat and what medicine to take in order to ease symptoms. 

I have tried but it is not the easiest thing. What woman can resist chocolate when she has PMS? That's what I thought!

I go back in forth from anger,peace, and anxiety.  Some days are perfectly fine. I enjoy my life, my husband, my son. Others I want nothing more than to slap unappreciated,whiney pregnant women. Some days, I feel like a failure and I have to come up with plans, plans plans. Should I go back to work? Should J. be in soccer? Should I join a mommy group? Should I start clomid? Should I lose weight and then try for a pregnancy or try for a pregnancy and then lose weight? The list goes on. 

I love the days when I have peace. When I look at my son in the moment he is in and I know I'm blessed.  J. was conceived without any medicine, before I even knew about PCOS.  He was conceived after my husband and I had been married 10 months and just days before we closed on a our new home.  His coming into  the world seemed so natural uncontrived and almost surprising. Now I see that God has blessed me beyond measure and my son's conception was  planned by the hands of God. Purposively at the time, that it was.  I remember the time I found out I was pregnant with him.  I gasped, I cried. I almost thought of ways to get out of it.  I was shocked and afraid.  But God knew what he was doing and his hand was on me.

If I ever have the blessing of another child, and I pray I do.  I hope to remember the time I found out about the pregnancy and I know I will gasp, I will cry and I will pray my hardest that God doesn't plan for me to get out of it.  I will be shocked and I will be afraid. But I will feel the most highest respect for my God,  knowing that his timing is his plans and he has my hand on me. I will remember the time I struggled to conceive. I will smile. 

Remember The Time

Wow. My first, ever, blog post on my first, ever, blog. This is going to be interesting! My hopes for this is  to be a sort of personal journal that I can share with friends. You can expect to see posts on, my wonderful son, J. My family. My struggles with PCOS and conceiving a second child, weight loss and diet, and daily happenings or current events. My life, blogged.

Right now as I type this my son is watching tv in his footsy pajamas and I'm anticipating what the day will be like. Laundry, cooking, some cleaning. But I don't want to miss on the most important part. Spending time with my almost 4 year old. Time to connect and making a moment that will create a lasting memory, so I can remember the time, that he was a sweet innocent little boy, watching tv, in footsy pajamas.